Post by OLKoot on Aug 7, 2009 14:55:03 GMT 12.75
Found this posted over at NAHC......enjoy..been there done that twice!!!
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a
gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that
appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the
colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient
manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was
shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some
written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called
'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the
hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days
productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my
colonoscopy, I began
my preparation. In accordance with
my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water, only
with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-
liter plastic jug, then you fill it
with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink
the whole jug. This takes about
an hour, because MoviPrep tastes
- and here I am being kind - like
a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of
lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep,
clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that
after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that
after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the
ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I
don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a
space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat
belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must
be totally empty, you have to
drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell,
your bowels travel into the future
and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I
finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove
me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional
return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for
something like that? Flowers
would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many
forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed
with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room
full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my
clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that,
when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when
you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a
little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have
fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I
hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if
you got yourself too tipsy to make
it to the bathroom, so you were
staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready,
Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was
waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left
side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to
the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the
room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be
playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said
Andy, from somewhere behind
me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was
time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept
through it. One moment, ABBA
was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel
the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in
the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me
and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that
It was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colors. Ihave never been prouder of an
internal organ.
On the subject of
Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but
these comments during the exam
were quite humorous..... A
physician claimed that the
following are actual comments
made by his patients
(predominately male) while he
was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly
going where no man has gone
before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we thereyet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas ,
we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners,
Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you
take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a
Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you
must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you
find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at
Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am
not gay.'
And the VERY best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my
wife saying that my head is not
up there?'
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a
gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that
appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the
colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient
manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was
shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some
written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called
'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the
hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days
productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my
colonoscopy, I began
my preparation. In accordance with
my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water, only
with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-
liter plastic jug, then you fill it
with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink
the whole jug. This takes about
an hour, because MoviPrep tastes
- and here I am being kind - like
a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of
lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep,
clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that
after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that
after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the
ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I
don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a
space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat
belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must
be totally empty, you have to
drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell,
your bowels travel into the future
and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I
finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove
me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional
return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for
something like that? Flowers
would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many
forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed
with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room
full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my
clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that,
when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when
you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a
little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have
fainted, but Eddie was very good,
and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I
hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if
you got yourself too tipsy to make
it to the bathroom, so you were
staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready,
Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was
waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left
side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to
the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the
room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be
playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said
Andy, from somewhere behind
me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was
time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept
through it. One moment, ABBA
was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel
the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in
the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me
and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that
It was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colors. Ihave never been prouder of an
internal organ.
On the subject of
Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but
these comments during the exam
were quite humorous..... A
physician claimed that the
following are actual comments
made by his patients
(predominately male) while he
was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly
going where no man has gone
before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we thereyet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas ,
we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners,
Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you
take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a
Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you
must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you
find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at
Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am
not gay.'
And the VERY best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my
wife saying that my head is not
up there?'