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Post by Rich on Aug 30, 2005 2:25:57 GMT 12.75
Well, I haven't been to this thread in quite a while but guess I'd better start checking it more often. I see that my name is being bantered around - AGAIN - because of one stupid thing I did several years ago. Well, I guess that is because I haven't told you about ALL the stupid things I've done - and I probably won't. I was just wondering how Steve knew about me standing in the corner with a lamp shade on my head. I didn't tell that one - did I? ? The sad part was that none of those girls could find the light switch. Must have been too small. Rich
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Post by Brikatw on Sept 9, 2005 3:05:17 GMT 12.75
Hell, don't feel bad Rich. I think someone done cut the wires on my switch.... The latest stupid thing I've done or didn't do was stake my ground blind down when hunting with the boys. Just picture a real windy day, spike buck, and me in a blind. About the time the buck got with in about 6 or 8 feet of the blind the wind took the blind away. There was thebuck falling over his self to get away and me trying to keep a blind, a chair and my butt all up out of the mud. You know the gieco commercial? That was me and that buck rolling around on the ground in the mud. ;D
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 9, 2005 6:53:49 GMT 12.75
Now that I'm done laughing at you guys, i just gotta tell a couple of my own.
One was on my Grandad. He had this big ol' Brahma bull that was always just kinda stpping over his cross fences. He's kinda half, hop over the fance with his front feet, pushing the wires down and then hop again to get his back feet over. Well, grandad was tired of having to restaple that top wire and that dern bull having free reign out in the pastures so he fenced off an acre with brand new fencing and put an electric wire running all the way around it. It was the highest voltage one he could find, so as to really give that bull a sting.
Once the fence was completed we drove te old bull into the enclosureand poured a little sweet feed in his new trough for him. Now once he was finished eating we, my grandad, dad, a couple of their friends, and me, were standing by the barn where the switch was watching that bull walk along the fence like he was inspecting it, then sure enough, he made his first hop.
As soon as his front feet cleared the fence, grandaddy flipped the switch with a grin. That bull let out a bellowing roar like I've never heard since and jumped straight up in the air about five feet, but when he came down, his head came down first and he tried to turn back through the wire. Well, he made two or three twists in that new fence, bellowing like the devil himself was killing him, then rolled over a couple of times.
He got himself so tangled up that we had to call out the vet to tranquilise him, so we could get all of the wire off of him. He ruined the fence, broke off four poles and cracked one corner post! Grandaddy never lived that one down.
Me, you ever shoot an old single shot one handed with three inch magnums and let the hammer slip back and nearly tear off your thumb? Not as funny as licking the electric plug, but still plenty dumb.
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Post by OLKoot on Sept 11, 2005 9:06:14 GMT 12.75
Heck, n2eatn, and when I finally bite the bullet I wanted to be reincarnated as a bull in Kansas....I better think that one over again!!! ;D
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Post by Paws on Sept 11, 2005 9:58:29 GMT 12.75
Oh Lord!! ;D That poor bull critter! Why is it that the funniest shit involves electricity and usually somebody's tongue or gonads?? I witnessed the last few seconds of my four year old daughter with a hairpin and an electric socket and man as bad as it was I laughed my ass off. As I was walking by she screamed and I saw the hair pin and asked her if she stuck it in the socket. Nooooooo... Daddy!! No doubt in my mind that Daddies little girl was a lyin' hussie!
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 12, 2005 4:21:23 GMT 12.75
Alright, here's another of my favorites. In the Fall, when the mullet get fat and are running full of row, we always go out a couple of nights a week and throw the cast nets. One night about fifteen years ago, My Dad and I went along with both of my grandaddys to throw off of the Snell Island bridge.
Now, both my grandads had false teeth and it's hard to throw a cast net with false teeth because you have to take a bite on your lead line. Well, my Dad's dad was doing the throwing and had laid his teeth on top of the guard rail. My Mom's dad got mine and my dad's attention and he slipped over to the guard rail and slipped those teeth into his shirt pocket, then placed his own teeth in their place and stepped back with us.
After his third throw, I stepped up and hauled in the net, which only had a couple of fish that time and my Dad's dad says, "these damn fish ain't runnin' worth a damn. We might as well get on back to the damn house." (he said damn a lot) With that said, he stepped over to the teeth lying on the guard rail, picks them up and puts them in his mouth.
We were setting back trying to hold back the giggles while he worked them around in his mouth awhile. After a dozen seconds or so, he pops them back out into his hand and says, "these damn teeth ain't never fit worth a damn. I gotta go see that damn doctor and get me a different damn pair." Then, he winds up, and sails them bad fittin' teeth as far out into the bayou as he could! They even skipped once before sinking.
Since I was the kid and it was cold, I got to do all of the diving while they directed me, but We never saw those teeth again.
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Post by Paws on Sept 13, 2005 3:03:51 GMT 12.75
Holy molar Batman!! So who filled out the insurance claim?? ;D Man that is too funny!!
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Post by Rich on Sept 20, 2005 15:58:53 GMT 12.75
Yep, that was definitely a belly buster ;D ;D ;D
Rich
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Post by Brikatw on Sept 22, 2005 9:28:32 GMT 12.75
Your right about that electricity and personals. Chris was around 2 or 3 when he discovered peeing on the electric socket thing. I DID fall over when he ran to his Mom and said "Kiss it mommy"
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Post by Paws on Oct 2, 2005 9:12:30 GMT 12.75
LOL, and the boy wasn't even West Virginian!! ;D OK, well this doesn't compare with what has been contributed so far, but if you put it in context... You guys know I been using Splenda. You also know I been inventing drinks. Well, do you have any idea how hard it is to find fruit flavor diet soda pop? It's a bitch! So I got this wild hair up my butt and ran to the Kroger store and bought some soda water. Got some Kool aide in black cherry, raspberry, lemon/lime, etc. Dumped me two quarts of soda water in a pitcher along with a cup full of Splenda and a pack of Kool aide. Tastes great! Well yesterday I ended up with an empty gallon plastic milk jug and decided to mix up a gallon of black cherry soda pop. In goes a gallon of carbonated soda water, in goes two packs of Kool aide and in goes two cups of Splenda and this; is where it all went wrong!!![/color] I figured it would be a "good" idea to put the cap on and then shake it up just to mix it real good. KABLOOIE!! Man that jug swelled up faster than a teen ager's penis reading his first Penthouse magazine!! There just wasn't time to escape.
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Post by Toby Benoit on Oct 6, 2005 10:14:52 GMT 12.75
The exploding jug is pretty cool! How big a mess did you make and did you get it cleaned up before Mrs. Pawclaws found out?
My Uncle is one of the laziest old farts you'll ever meet. He's so lazy, he makes really lazy people look not so lazy. Anyway, he's also an out of control diabetic whose doctor has put him on high doses of diuretics.
Camping out during the hunting season, I was totally grossed out because rather than get up in the middle of the night and go pee, he would use a milk jug by his cot. Well, one morning he had filled that jug to bursting and put the cap on it real tight, but rather than taking it to the trash pins across the campground, he left the nasty thing outside his tent in the sun all day.
That evening, he came in and it was all swollen up when he decided to throw it away. He picked it up and showed ot too us how swollen the jug was (gross enough, but you'd have to know the guy) then said, "I wonder if I can squeeze some of the pressure off."
I'm not sure what was in his head, but without loosening the cap, he applied pressure with both hands and that jug exploded all over him.
I almost peed myself I laughed at him so hard. I never cared for him anyway. There weren't any showers in the camp, so he threw everything in the truck and drove home. He never came hunting with us again!
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Post by Mars on Nov 5, 2005 15:30:16 GMT 12.75
I knew this woman at work in Indiana. Nice woman about late thirties, never been married or even a boyfriend that she ever talked about. All she did talk about was her beloved cat at home. One day when we ALL where in line waiting to clock out for the day, she was mentioning how much she wanted to get home because she had "big" plans, which was way out of normal for her. Without even thinking I told her," you just want to get home to play with your pussy". Don't know who was more embarrassed.
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Post by OLKoot on Nov 6, 2005 12:03:05 GMT 12.75
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Post by Brikatw on Nov 14, 2005 6:54:04 GMT 12.75
Last night I was at my elderly neighbors house sharing some squirrel/rabbit with gravy for dinner. In the conversation Miss Sunshine was trying to say "a bird in the hand is better than 2 in the bush" Instead this 89 year old lady came out with-" a hand in bush is better than 2 on the crank" . I just about fell off the chair....
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Post by OLKoot on Nov 15, 2005 14:16:58 GMT 12.75
I'm sure she wasnt giving you a description of how she churns butter!!!!
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Post by Brikatw on Nov 17, 2005 6:26:08 GMT 12.75
Don't really know about that Steve... I've always been a little slower than most normal folks. ;D
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Jan 17, 2006 19:13:35 GMT 12.75
Here's one candidate story for my dumbest damned prank ever. I took all the Boraxo out of the soap dispenser in the washroom at work, and refilled it with Betz 1839-A water treatment polymer, trying to get even with an ornery coworker who set fire to my back pocket of my coveralls. 1839-A looks nearly identical to Boraxo in it's dry state...but that is where the similarities end!
For those who don't know about 1839-A, when it is mixed with water, it forms long chain molecules that attract any suspended dirt or what have you in water causing it to settle out to the bottom of the vessel where it is disposed of. In layman's terms, when you mix it with water it turns to slime...the more water, the more slime. We are talking more slime than a garden slug, a booger, and boiled okra can muster in concerted effort. Other than that, it is harmless.
Before my intended victim can get into the bathroom and into my trap, this huge burly construction worker decided to use our washroom to wash all the flyash out of his beard. Let me take a moment to discribe this fella...kind of the Hell's Angel biker type, he was about 6' 6" tall...big black ZZ-Top beard, and shaped like a yield sign...looked like he worked out a lot...and about 40 to 50 in age. Well sir, before I can say a word, he grabs a handful of that "boraxo" and tried to lather up with it...of course it turned to snot in his beard. He thought his nose was running and was looking in the mirror trying to figure out what was happening.
I knew better than to laugh or giggle and wanted to tell him if he put isopropyl alcohol on it it would neutralize it...but then he'd know that I had done it, and he didn't appear to have much of a sense of humor. He was trying to wash this goo out of his beard and as I said , it got messier the more water he added. I had to get the heck outta there as I was about to die trying to keep from laughing. I ran all the way back to the break room before I erupted into hysterical laughter.
My pal, Casey, wanted to know what was so funny and between fits of laughter and with hand gestures I gave him the general gist of the event. Casey tore out to the washroom to check things out for himself, and returned in a few minutes nearly blue in the face from laughing. He said, "That big sumbich has that slimy shite from heck to breakfast in there...he's screaming and cussing...done stripped down to the waist and got that snotty crap all over him...and still can't get rid of it!"
Next day, when that big ol' guy came in to work I didn't recognize him because he had shaved his beard off...and probably anywhere else that stuff had got! None of us had ever seen the fella without that big ol' bushy beard. I'd lay bets that he'd still kill me if he got a chance and found out that I was the culprit...and I'd guess he's about 60-70 now.
I gotta get to bed for work tomorrow! I'll tell the Barbeque Princess story later and let y'all guess which is the better story. Nighters, y'all!
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Post by Paws on Jan 18, 2006 0:54:40 GMT 12.75
Don't read this thing at 0630 cause you'll wake everybody in the house up! Talked to my cousin John Norton yesterday for about two hours. Haven't seen him for around five years or so. When we were kids, we hung around together a bit and when we did he more often than not ended up injured, embarrassed, or pissed off at me for goading him into something not to his advantage. One fine evening we were camping either at the Number 17 shop pond or reservoir where we had carried some chow, did a little fishing, and slept under the stars. We camped with what we could carry in our pockets so there were no sleeping bags, blankets, or fancy utensils. We would always have a nice fire though. We were fairly "Smokey Bear" smart, both of us having previously burned down acreage on public and private property, so we always had a fire pit surrounded by stone. On this occasion, we were fortunate to have real brick manufactured by Trimble Brick of Trimble Ohio. Each and every one was emblazoned with those words Trimble Brick in bold letters. Today these are collectors items and draw a nice bit of change. Anyway we lay out under the stars all evening with a great fire keeping us warm as toast and did what young boys do. Early the next morning long after the fire had died , fog lifted and the morning chill was just beginning to get chased away by the sun, I was setting up a forked stick for my fishing pole which wouldn't go into the ground. "Johnny, hand me one of those bricks!" I said and without thinking he picked up one of those bricks from the fire pit. To this day, when I meet up with him I look inside his right hand and there it is for all to see standing in witness: " KCIRB ELBMIRT".
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jan 18, 2006 6:39:27 GMT 12.75
I'm glad that big bastard didn't find out it was you Rogue! You'd probably be a dead man right now Don't worry though, if I ever come across a guy telling a story about someone putting that shit in the soap dispenser, I won't tell That's a good one too Paws, I know guy with a bullseye scar on his right thumb from checking to see if the lighter in his car was hot or not.
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Post by OLKoot on Jan 18, 2006 12:53:54 GMT 12.75
The only get even things we used to do was to vaseline a doorknob, or put Saran wrap over the toilet bowl, pulling it tight so you wouldnt notice it.....If I can remember some other things I will post it......there were some other funny stuf, but my minds not working tonight......
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