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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Jan 23, 2006 11:59:13 GMT 12.75
Did ya hear the one about the dyslexic athiest who suffered from insomnia?
He lay awake at night contemplating and pondering the existence of dog...
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jan 23, 2006 12:29:44 GMT 12.75
;D LOL, I had to read it more than once to get it....LOL
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Post by Buckeye on Jan 23, 2006 12:41:22 GMT 12.75
The pastor of a small country church went to the Trustees and asked for a raise. The reason he gave was his wife was expecting and he could use a little extra with another mouth to feed.
The Trustees agreed and granted the pastor a raise.
About a year later, the pastor again went before the Trustees and asked for another raise, same reason. The Trustees agreed again.
This same scenario continued for the next three years with the pastor getting a raise each year.
After six children, the pastor went back again to ask for another raise. This time the trustees balked and told him they though there were getting to be too many children.
The pastor reasoned, "But children are an act of God."
The room was silent for a few minutes while the trustees pondered the situation, until one old fellow in the back spoke up. "Rain is also an act of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
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Post by Paws on Jan 23, 2006 14:20:25 GMT 12.75
The old Rabbi walked down the sidewalk briskly when he heard a young man's voice; "Jewish puppies for sale, five dollars each." The old man reached out and patted the boy on the head and remarked looking at the box full of puppies, "Those are indeed some fine looking puppies." "Why do you call them Jewish puppies?" "Well", replied the boy, "I'm selling them for a Jewish lady over on Maple Street." "Fine ladd, fine lad" remarked the Rabbi. A week later as the Rabbi walked the same block, "Christian puppies, Christian puppies ten dollars each" came the voice. "Christian puppies, ten dollars?" "What's up with that?" "Well you see Rabbi, these puppies now have their eyes opened."
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Jan 23, 2006 15:06:29 GMT 12.75
Here is a story of the creation of the dog as told me by my friend in Scotland. Jim said his grandfather told him the story as a child over 2/3rds a century ago. Translation from the Highland brogue follows the original text, though it is more charming and humorous in the original text. -Bill- As we aw kin fine th' busy and hectic time that th' Guid Laird had in th' makin 'o' this world we bide in. As we kin it He rested on th' Sabbath, Ti rest and ponder, His great workings. At His side sat Gabriel listening and questioning these same workings,and he chanced ti ask. Now what dae yi call them, indicating animals as we kin them. Weil th' Laird could see whit he ment for He had made so many different shapes and sizes. A decision made, off He strolls ti name these beings. This long necked one He calls Giraffe. Next He calls it hippopotamus, next horse and so on till He had named aw th' animals. This chore done He returns ti where He camest sitting there wi a sigh after a job well done. He heard this wee voice fi along side His feet. "Laird yi have given names ti aw these other animals great and small, would you be having a name for me." Our Laird bent down fi His lofty seat and wi the hand that helped create th' worlds miracles stroked this wee animal, "Aye! , I have jist th' name for yi, I have watched yi at my side an I close by where ever I have went...never oot eye sight or hearing. Also a special job as well! That being. To man a friend and companion, like no other. Giving unquestionable love and loyalty. In so doing I will name yi DOG, Yes man's best friend...
DOG ~ My name spelt backwards ~ God"
We all know the busy and hectic time the Good Lord had in the making of this world we live in, and we all know that He rested on the Sabbath to rest and ponder all His great works. At His side sat Gabriel, listening and asking questions about these great works. He chanced to ask, "Well, what do you call them?" indicating all the animals as we know them. Well, the Lord could see what he meant, for He had made them so many different shapes and sizes. A decision was made, so off He strolled to name all these beings. The long necked one, He called a giraffe, next came the hippopotamus, then the horse, and so on until all the animals were named. With this accomplished, The Lord returned to the place He came from in the garden and sat down with a sigh after a job well done. Then He heard a wee little voice from alongside His feet, "Lord, you have given names to all these animals, great and small...do you have a name for me?" The Lord bent down from His lofty seat, and with the hand that created the world and all it's miracles, stroked this tiny animal. "Yes, I have just the name for you! I have watched you at my side, close by me where ever I went, never out of my sight or hearing. I also have a special job for you...that being...a friend to man and a companion like no other. Giving unquestionable love and loyalty. In doing so, I will name you "DOG"...Man's best friend...my name spelled backwards."
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Post by Paws on Jan 24, 2006 0:10:14 GMT 12.75
"KIN" In the language of the old country - To understand something in the very deepest way. To fully and completely understand. To internalize. as in We kin the animals.
added to assist the impaired Appalachian American, American Hillbilly, Country Bumpkin, Backwoods Hick, Mountain William, and Steve Korot. ;D
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Post by Paws on Jan 24, 2006 0:50:26 GMT 12.75
As Jesus and Moses sat in their 17 foot John boat fishing for Crappie in Heaven's Golden Pond they began to reminisce. Jesus said, "So what do you think Moses?" "Have you still got it?" "Got what?" asked Moses. "The power man." "Can you still part the sea?" At this Moses stood up raised his arms out stretching forth his fishing pole. Lo the waters parted and the boat softly lowered to the bottom of the pond. Closing his arms the waters returned lifting the boat gently back to the surface. Grinning, Moses asked, "Well what about you?" Jesus stood up stepped out of the boat and firmly for a second stood on the water. Then all pf a sudden sank like a stone! "Glub glub, spit, sputter, choke, cough!" Moses reached out and pulled Him back into the boat drenched to the bone. "What happened Jesus?" "I really don't know, but you know the last time I did this ... . . . I didn't have these holes in my feet!" ;D
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Post by Paws on Jan 24, 2006 14:06:09 GMT 12.75
Our Associate Pastor was a Hispanic fella named Louie Montoya. He was a jokester and so one day I asked him if he would mind helping me with my Spanish. "Sure, Brother Phil!" He always was smiling! I said "Well how about interpreting this for me?" "Como frijole cabiou?" "Brother Phil", he started, "That doesn't mean anything!" "Sure it does Brother Louie, como How you frijole bean cabiou Horse or How you bean hoss? ;D He said he wanted to baptise me again and keep me under while he recited Psalms!
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Post by brittonfaith on Jan 24, 2006 14:15:41 GMT 12.75
That reminds me of the sermon the night I accepted the Lord. The minister was telling about having to learn Spanish so he could do some mission work in El Salvador. He was having trouble with the Spanish "rr" sound. The young gal that was teaching him told him to think back to when he was a little boy playing with his cars & trucks and make the same sound. He thought for a bit and said, " Oh! you mean 'udden-udden'?
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Post by Paws on Jan 24, 2006 14:20:41 GMT 12.75
LOL!! ;D OK then from now on it's "udden udden" Amen! ;D
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Feb 19, 2006 10:20:35 GMT 12.75
HOLY Email
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either!! ;D
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Post by OLKoot on Feb 19, 2006 16:02:45 GMT 12.75
I got the email, and I was to tell the other 95% too press CTRL, ALT and DELETE and it will start their life all over again..... ;D ;D ;D "added to assist the impaired Appalachian American, American Hillbilly, Country Bumpkin, Backwoods Hick, Mountain William, and Steve Korot........" I dont get it??? DOH!!!!! ;D
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Post by Two Tales on Feb 19, 2006 20:12:06 GMT 12.75
3 friends John Luke, Peter and Sol, who had known each other from grade school, graduated and went off to different parts of the country to further their education..they all got the standard invitations to attend various reunions and such but could never make the connection, where more than one could attend at a time well time passed, as it does...and they all had retired from their respective jobs..and were able to attend their 50th reunion at the same time...well the had not seen or heard from each other for all those years and really had no idea of what the other had been up to...well the day came for the reunion and the all got together and talked of old times and caught each other up on their lives..John Luke had become a Priest..Petter was a retired Lutheran Minister and Sol had become a Rabbi...they decided to meet again and do some things they had done so many years ago...John and Peter suggested that the go fishing..Sol was eager for that chance as he had always been forbidden by his mother to go out on the water...so the other 2 set him up with the equipment and rented the boat and when the day came there they were with all their gear and new hats, and fishing cloths...John had the hats made up special for the occasion.. well out on the boat they went..but the wind picked up..so they went to this nice little cove were the wind was less ferocious but still it gusted every now and then quite strongly...but did not deter the new found old friend from fishing anyways...as they set there they told each other of the deeds done and things past..Just then a sudden blast of wind swept Sol's hat in to the lake..he was heart broken..John said not to worry that he would get it..so he stands up and steps out of the boat and walks across the water picks up the hat returns to the boat and continues to fish..Sol is perplexed at this obvious gift from God...but doesn't say anything...a while late the wind again whips Sol's hat into the drink..before anyone could say anything Peter stands and repeats John's preformance....Sol is now besides himself with awe....he sat quietly thinking that this must be a sign as to why they were brought back together after all these years....he sat and thought and thought and sat...when the wind one more blew his hat off...well not to be outdone and believing that it was a test he stood up stepped out of the boat and sunk straight to the bottom...frantically Peter and John tried to save their friend but alas to no avail..sitting on the bank latter Peter says to John " do you suppose we should have told him about the stepping stones? ?"..
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Post by Paws on Feb 20, 2006 2:46:33 GMT 12.75
I got the email, and I was to tell the other 95% too press CTRL, ALT and DELETE and it will start their life all over again..... ;D ;D ;D "added to assist the impaired Appalachian American, American Hillbilly, Country Bumpkin, Backwoods Hick, Mountain William, and Steve Korot........" I dont get it??? DOH!!!!! ;D Yep, that's what my cousin Jimmy's said! (I didn't get one.)
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Feb 25, 2006 17:03:19 GMT 12.75
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Feb 25, 2006 22:09:14 GMT 12.75
Your right Bill, I do love it. And it speaks so much about my life and the way i was raised. Keep 'em coming!
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Post by Two Tales on Feb 27, 2006 3:12:03 GMT 12.75
I can honestly say that I never had that drug problem or the other one either...when I was growing up and from an early age I just sort of knew that helping the neighbor was right, saying yes mam or no sir was proper...or even going to church on Sunday morn was the thing you should do (I've changed my mind about this over the years)...didn't have to be drug no place that Dad or Mom or Grampa or Granny or Grandma asked me to go... or for that matter even the other adult members of my family...
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Post by Paws on Apr 7, 2006 8:58:14 GMT 12.75
> Cowgirl In Bar > > > A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, > walks into > a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in > the back > of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in > turn. When > she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and > orders > three more. > > The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, > "You know, > a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste > better if you > bought one at a time." > > The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two > sisters. One > is in Australia, the other is in Kentucky. When we > all left our > home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink > this way to > remember the days when we drank together. So I'm > drinking > one beer for each of my sisters and one for > myself." > > The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, > and leaves > it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the > bar, and always > drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and > drinks them > in turn. > > One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. > All the re- > gulars take notice and fall silent. When she > comes back to the > bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I > don't want to > intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my > condolences on > your loss." > > The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, > then a light > dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, > everybody's just > fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband > and I joined the > Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." > "Hasn't affected > my sisters though." > > > Now who would have thunk it! ;D
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Post by othmar on Apr 7, 2006 13:17:46 GMT 12.75
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Maybe I should try that custom too. I have a brother in Brazil and anotherone in Switzerland. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Apr 8, 2006 1:39:16 GMT 12.75
LOL!! ;D That one did tickle my funny bone!
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