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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on May 29, 2006 16:29:34 GMT 12.75
I'll give you that "Amen." There is far more truth to that story than first glance...when our country went to Hades on a greased sled was when we kicked Jesus out of our schools, and out of our lives. Reminds me of the story about the dog following it's young master to school, and right on inside the classroom. Of course the teacher put the dog out. God came along and saw the dog sitting there whimpering and patted him on the head and said, "I know how it is, boy...they won't let me in there either!"
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Post by Toby Benoit on May 29, 2006 16:45:01 GMT 12.75
You both get an AMEN!!! for those last two posts.
As for the two ya'll posted before them...well, Momma said if you can't say something nice... ;D
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Post by Paws on Jun 2, 2006 12:16:00 GMT 12.75
Saint Peter was sitting on a rock by the gates when he noticed off in the distance three souls walking up the road out of the fog. "Come forward he called and state your case." The first approached and Peter queried "How did you sjpend your life, how did youpraise your Lord and what did you do with your abilities?" The man replied, I was a decent man. I repented of my sin and served man and my Lord to the best of my ability." Saint Peter asked, "What was your IQ?" "165, the man replied "a gift indeed with which I invented Byetta a new drug for diabetics." "Excellent!" said Saint Peter enter and choose a dwelling." The second approached and said "Saint Peter my IQ was 145." Saint Peter asked, "And how did you serve man with such a high intelligence?" "Well sir, I was a contractor of homes and I worked with the Habitat for Humanity and built over four thousand new homes at very low cost for low income families." "Excellent! You may enter and select a dwelling. The third man approached and said "Sir, my IQ is 85 and I'm from Arkansas." Saint Peter queried, "Say, did you get a deer this year?" ;D
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jun 2, 2006 15:36:51 GMT 12.75
Love that one!
I hope he got his deer ;D
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jun 11, 2006 6:50:22 GMT 12.75
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandmother a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you sorry bums asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry behinds in jail.
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Post by Paws on Jun 11, 2006 12:35:15 GMT 12.75
;D ;D
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Post by gsoflittledove on Jul 20, 2006 16:46:38 GMT 12.75
Subject: Fw: grandmas Here's a story from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC: "There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?' The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your butt and open it.'"
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Aug 18, 2006 10:21:21 GMT 12.75
The Texas Preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
The preacher fainted!
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Post by Toby Benoit on Aug 18, 2006 15:52:52 GMT 12.75
Gee Freddie, I hope you didn't hit your head on the way down! ;D
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Post by Paws on Aug 25, 2006 1:51:44 GMT 12.75
Coward wouldn't even sign in! ;D
From Bill Hurley:
An al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first ."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie." ;D
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Post by gsoflittledove on Sept 22, 2006 14:47:14 GMT 12.75
----- THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
M y tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire..
I noticed your cat
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
H eard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
L ooking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
C ongratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
H ow could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
C ongratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, The Carolinas , & West Virginia )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
H appy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
W hen we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
W e have been friends for a very long time..
Let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Y our friends and I wanted to do Something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
S o your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.
$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 22, 2006 15:53:14 GMT 12.75
Those are great Bill!!! ;D ;D
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Post by gsoflittledove on Sept 27, 2006 7:12:17 GMT 12.75
>> >>>THE BEST POEM IN THE WORLD! >> >>> >> >>>I was shocked, confused, bewildered >> >>>As I entered Heaven's door, >> >>>Not by the beauty of it all, >> >>> Nor the lights or its decor. >> >>> >> >>>But it was the folks in Heaven >> >>> Who made me sputter and gasp-- >> >>> The thieves, the liars, the sinners, >> >>>The alcoholics, the trash >> >>> >> >>>There stood the kid from seventh grade >> >>> Who swiped my lunch money twice. >> >>>Next to him was my old neighbor >> >>>Who never said anything nice. >> >>> >> >>>Herb, who I always thought >> >>>Was rotting away in hell, >> >>>Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, >> >>>Looking incredibly well. >> >>> >> >>> I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? >> >>> I would love to hear Your take. >> >>> How'd all these sinners get up here? >> >>> God must've made a mistake. >> >>> >> >>> "And why's everyone so quiet, >> >>> So somber? Give me a clue." >> >>> "Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock. >> >>> No one thought they'd be seeing you." >> >>> >> >>>Judge NOT.
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Post by redneckfhp on Oct 8, 2006 7:37:32 GMT 12.75
Sorry if this one has been done already, I didn't have time to read all the posts.
Jose is walking through the woods on his way home from the fields down on his luck, wondering how he is going to feed his family, when he sees this tree on a hill that looks like a cross, so he stops to bow his head pray and ask God to help him. At the same time, Malcom Devon Jackson is coming over the hill with his bag of groceries, the bag tears and some cheese falls out and starts to role down the hill. Jose opens his eyes from his prayer, sees the cheese and thinks God has answered his prayer and runs home with the cheese in hand.
He bursts throught he door and yells to his wife Rosa "Rosa, Rosa, I was coming home today and saw this tree, that looked like a cross, I bow my head to pray for food for our familia, and miraculously, there is this cheese at my feet, and you HAVE TO MAKE NACHOS!!!"
"Nachos?," asks Rosa "why Nachos"
Jose says "Well all the way home, I kept hearing this Loud voice yelling ---- Na-cho cheese Na-cho cheese Na-cho cheese!!!"
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Post by Paws on Nov 8, 2006 1:39:54 GMT 12.75
Here are a few from Michigan! They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. --------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ---------------------------- Our youth basketball team is back in action, Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. --------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. ---------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ---------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. --------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." ----------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ------------------------------ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening,in the church hall. Music will follow. ----------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered. ------------------------------ The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility. ------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ----------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --------------------------- This evening at 7 PM, there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ----------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall, after the B. S. is done. ------------------------------ The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ----------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ---------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ---------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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Post by gsoflittledove on Jan 6, 2007 15:13:55 GMT 12.75
CHILDREN At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Feb 10, 2007 11:32:56 GMT 12.75
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22a)
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Post by Paws on Feb 11, 2007 4:57:50 GMT 12.75
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Feb 16, 2007 12:01:03 GMT 12.75
THE PASTOR'S CAT
This is a true story about the pastor of a church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking People if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it. "She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!
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Post by Paws on Feb 16, 2007 12:07:25 GMT 12.75
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