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Post by Bro. Freddie on Apr 20, 2006 10:03:51 GMT 12.75
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
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Post by Paws on Apr 27, 2006 4:58:49 GMT 12.75
Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to
church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down
and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "! My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, ''Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.''
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Post by brittonfaith on Apr 28, 2006 8:35:24 GMT 12.75
When Jake quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Jake. "Jake," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for miles and miles around, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Jake thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Jake talked to the priest, and they arranged it.
The big day came and the priest had Jake kneel. He put his hand on Jake's head and said, "Jake, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Jake's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Jake was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Jake's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Jake saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 2, 2006 14:16:31 GMT 12.75
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment Will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident', I just Lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Post by Bro. Freddie on May 5, 2006 13:58:01 GMT 12.75
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
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1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
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Post by brittonfaith on May 5, 2006 14:02:54 GMT 12.75
Wow Freddie! You answered my yearning question of who makes "Tickled Pink"! That was the first wine I ever drank. Many moons ago!!
Growing up, our little Baptist church had 93 members and with the exception of me, all had one of 2 last names. Our baptismal pool was a Wheeling cattle trough.
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 9, 2006 10:53:03 GMT 12.75
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. She carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic..."
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Post by Toby Benoit on May 9, 2006 14:08:09 GMT 12.75
Good one! ;D
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Post by othmar on May 9, 2006 18:21:04 GMT 12.75
A young priest was assigned to his first church. The first Sunday he watched the sermon of the old, about to be retired priest. After the sermon the young priest asked the old on. "This is such a big congregation, don't you get a little stage freight talking in front of so many people?" The old priest said, "Of course I do my son!" The young priest wanted to know what the old one does to look so confident. "Before each sermon I drink a little whiskey this gives me the courage I need." advised he.
The following Sunday it was the young priest's turn to give his first sermon ever. The church was packet to the last seat. After the sermon the young priest asked the old guy. "How did I do?" Whereupon he replied. "Very well indeed. You only made two minor mistakes. After prayer you need to say Amen not Cheers. After the sermon use the stairs to leave the pulpit instead of sliding down the banisters swinging the emty whiskey bottle over your head."
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Post by Paws on May 10, 2006 8:21:54 GMT 12.75
;D I'm beginning to like this thread! ;D
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 16, 2006 3:51:38 GMT 12.75
WYOMING STATE POLICE - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!!!!
IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS.
ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICE OFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER. HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING.
PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.
THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO "DRIVE" AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.
THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR.
THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM.
THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.
WHO SAYS POLICEMAN DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 22, 2006 5:53:36 GMT 12.75
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." ;D
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win. ;D ;D
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 22, 2006 15:20:12 GMT 12.75
Othmar this is the Texas verison of a young preist?
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. I f I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12. The Virgin Ma ry is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Bill
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Post by othmar on May 23, 2006 5:40:53 GMT 12.75
Othmar this is the Texas verison of a young preist? A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. I f I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" 12. The Virgin Ma ry is not called " Mary with the Cherry,. 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Bill I like that version too. ;D
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Post by othmar on May 23, 2006 5:44:14 GMT 12.75
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." ;D The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win. ;D ;D That comes pretty close to what my dad taught us. "You can trust a policeman most times. You can trust a fireman all the time. But only fools trust lawyers.
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Post by Toby Benoit on May 23, 2006 6:27:21 GMT 12.75
That's sound advise! I have to remember that one! ;D
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Post by Paws on May 29, 2006 7:34:35 GMT 12.75
Did you hear about the Oncologist's blond catholic receptionist? She was crying crying because she heard the Pope had a Papal mass!
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Post by Paws on May 29, 2006 7:36:39 GMT 12.75
Did you hear about the Proctologist's blond catholic receptionist? She was crying because she heard the Pope had a Papal mass in his rectory. ;D
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on May 29, 2006 11:55:57 GMT 12.75
Paws...this is payback for those two groaners you just posted! ;D The Rector of a large parish planned to decorate the sanctuary with wild flowers in celebration of the passage of scripture mentioning "Lilies of the Field." Somehow the florist got his wires crossed and brought huge baskets of ferns...all different varieties, golden fern, cinnamon fern, red fern, and maidenhair fern. At first the Rector was a bit put out by the mixup, but the plants were so lovely that he decided to keep them anyway. He told the florist, "Just leave them. With fronds like these who needs anemones?"
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Post by Paws on May 29, 2006 15:40:16 GMT 12.75
Ooooooohhhhhhh!![/b] A father wanted to read a magazine but was interrupted by his little >> girl. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. >> >> Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed >> the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces for each state, he >> >> gave it to his daughter, and said, "See if you can put this together. >> This will show you our whole country today." >> >> After a few minutes, she handed him the map correctly fitted together >> with tape. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so >> quickly. >> >> "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. >> >> When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just >> came together." >> >> Can I get an AMEN!!!!!! (Or even a bada bump bump) >> >>
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