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Post by Toby Benoit on Jun 12, 2007 16:08:15 GMT 12.75
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jun 17, 2007 10:45:05 GMT 12.75
A real Florida redneck
A small zoo in Florida obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under four conditions
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
4. And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jun 17, 2007 14:56:49 GMT 12.75
Doggone right! And if I can get Paws to loan me five hundred bucks, I'm callin' that zoo tomorrow! ;D
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Post by Paws on Jun 18, 2007 2:33:08 GMT 12.75
I only have five hundred and I'm first! (For ten you can watch!)
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jun 20, 2007 6:06:15 GMT 12.75
Democratic National Convention for 2008
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:35 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship: Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15 P.M. Gay Wedding: Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Leave Osama Alone Rally: Cyndi Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender: Former French President J. Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo: Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. "Why I Hate the Military," a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented: Truth in Broadcasting award. Presented by: Michael Moore.
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M. How George Bush brought down the World Trade Center Towers: Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals: John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
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Post by Paws on Jun 21, 2007 1:28:07 GMT 12.75
I knew the DNC had an agenda!
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jun 28, 2007 11:40:57 GMT 12.75
Why We Love Children !
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Aparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jun 30, 2007 10:27:16 GMT 12.75
Subject: Qantas Airline For those that travel: Or are planning too! Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, had a major accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Post by Paws on Jul 1, 2007 3:37:30 GMT 12.75
LOL!! Oh the memories. In the USAF those maintenance forms are the 781 series of forms used to report identification and correction of maintenance problems or malfunctions. I used to get to type them out for the QC Inspectors. I remember one: Problem: Sound of "mewing" coming from behind co-pilot's instrument panel. Corrective Action: Removed access panel, found three kittens, fed kittens, mewing ceased. No mother cat could be found. Report any suspicious smells noted.
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Post by Paws on Jul 3, 2007 4:54:08 GMT 12.75
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "4 months vacation and five good leads." From Cousin Linda Bailes
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jul 8, 2007 12:32:38 GMT 12.75
Here is something you car buffs probably didn't know.
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn't know that, did ya...
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air- Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
There, now ya know it...
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Post by Paws on Jul 8, 2007 15:41:04 GMT 12.75
Ohhhhhhhhh....groan..... Speaking of hot dry weather... Alabama hot dry weather Alabama is so hot and dry that: The Baptists have started sprinkling. The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth. The Presbyterians are giving rain checks and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water. Badda bump bump! Tom W.
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Post by ET on Jul 9, 2007 3:55:14 GMT 12.75
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that huge grin off your face."
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Post by ET on Jul 9, 2007 4:03:04 GMT 12.75
Country funeral
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a Grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The Funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this Man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour Late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the Hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of The open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper Thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I Poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: From Genesis all the way to Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the Workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jul 17, 2007 11:20:29 GMT 12.75
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo (the hunchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. "Who in the world is Rosie O’Donnell?”
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jul 17, 2007 11:23:43 GMT 12.75
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more
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Post by Paws on Jul 17, 2007 14:00:24 GMT 12.75
Got caught squeezin the Charmin ehhh! LOL Those last few were all pretty good!
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Post by gsoflittledove on Jul 23, 2007 6:46:57 GMT 12.75
One evening GOD was walking in the Garden of Eden, along the way he came upon Adam. As he got closer he noticed a very big smile on Adams face With a little chuckle he says to Adam, I know what you have been upto. ;D Say where is Eve, Adam; says; she went down to the river to clean up Just then GOD gets the wered look on his face and mutters "I'll neve get the smell out of them fish
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Post by ET on Jul 24, 2007 5:30:03 GMT 12.75
Unfortunately, Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton arrive early in heaven, and God addresses them one at a time. Al is first. ''Al, what do you believe in?'' Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. You are a good man. Come and sit at my left.'' God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?'' Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.'' God thinks for a second and says: "You have shown remorse and you are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.'' Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?'' She replies: "I believe you're in my chair"
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Aug 4, 2007 5:53:39 GMT 12.75
A couple of Ohio city slickers decided to try their hand at deer hunting so they bought all the necessary gear and headed for the hills. As they were sitting quietly in great anticipation their reward showed up a perfect ten point showed up down in a deep ravine with no way out. It was a swift and easy kill. They were so exited when they reached their bounty. It was a long way up hill and to the truck so they had to stop and rest many times, Ragged and weary about 20 yards to go another hunter saw that they were dragging the deer by the hind legs and the horns were catching and hanging on every thing. So he calls to them to grab it by the horns, After trying it this way for a while one says to the other man this is a lot easier the other replies Yea but but that truck keeps getting farther and farther away.
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