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Post by Toby Benoit on Aug 4, 2007 17:24:32 GMT 12.75
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Aug 5, 2007 14:52:51 GMT 12.75
Say, did you hear about the Baptist puppies that became Pentacostal as soon as their eyes were opened? ;D
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Aug 5, 2007 22:55:42 GMT 12.75
Say, did you hear about the Baptist puppies that became Pentacostal as soon as their eyes were opened? ;D I heard it as Catholic and then Baptist after their eyes were opened
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Post by Paws on Aug 5, 2007 23:45:21 GMT 12.75
That too! ;D
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Post by Mars on Aug 6, 2007 3:35:51 GMT 12.75
And Jehovah Witnesses after they learned to walk.
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Post by Paws on Aug 6, 2007 4:23:47 GMT 12.75
Ohhhhhhhhh.
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Post by Paws on Aug 7, 2007 1:10:35 GMT 12.75
;D LOL! Pretty hard to reach the door bell!
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Post by Paws on Aug 7, 2007 1:16:34 GMT 12.75
Know why you get off cheaper inviting Catholic Priests and Baptist Ministers for Dinner rather than Jehova's Witnesses ? Well the Catholic Priest will come on Friday and you can feed him cheap fish. The Baptist Misister will come to Sunday dinner and love to share the economical gospel bird. The Jehova's Witness will come any day of the week and asks where his room is! p.s. Man don't even think of inviting an Assembly of God minister! (Just kiding, I love them all!)
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Post by Toby Benoit on Aug 10, 2007 18:03:46 GMT 12.75
A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Post by Paws on Aug 10, 2007 21:33:54 GMT 12.75
Oy vey!
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Post by ET on Aug 11, 2007 14:16:29 GMT 12.75
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.....he tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began hounding him again. Nag, complain, nag.....it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." ;D ;D
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Post by Mars on Aug 11, 2007 14:46:37 GMT 12.75
Don't need no mule. Wife says she already has a jackass. Don't know where it is though as I haven't seen it!
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Post by ET on Aug 12, 2007 2:43:11 GMT 12.75
Don't need no mule. Wife says she already has a jackass. Don't know where it is though as I haven't seen it! I think Ive seen it. ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Aug 20, 2007 4:18:51 GMT 12.75
From MadBuffalo: A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbled to himself. Just then, a stranger walked up beside him and whispered, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man was crazy and his answer would be meaningless, the golfer also felt that maybe this was a good omen so he said, "Sure," and sunk the putt. Two holes later, he mumbled to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger was at his side again and whispered, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replied, "Okay." And he made an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needed another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moved to his side and said, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" Definitely," the golfer replied, and he made the eagle. As the golfer was walking to the club house, the stranger walked alongside him and said, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replied, "I'm Father O'Malley
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Post by ET on Aug 23, 2007 5:50:26 GMT 12.75
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women."
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
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Post by Paws on Dec 13, 2007 6:59:20 GMT 12.75
From Linda (my cousin) Little Christian Humor This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile! Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' ......................................................>> ....................................................... .......................................................>> God Just shrugged and said, ' JESUS SAVES!'
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Post by Toby Benoit on Dec 13, 2007 9:32:51 GMT 12.75
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Dec 31, 2007 6:38:59 GMT 12.75
From Tom Griffin:
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side. "Hello? Hello?" "Who is it?" Jesus replied. "Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied. Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?" The old voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"
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Post by gsoflittledove on Jan 9, 2008 6:57:49 GMT 12.75
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
;D ;D
smile, God Loves You!!!
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Post by ET on Jan 13, 2008 6:57:18 GMT 12.75
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School . So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there . One little boy said, 'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?' 'Sure,' said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then He said, 'You are now baptized!' Then they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do you think we are ?' The oldest one said, 'We're not Cathlick, because they pour the water on you.' 'We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.' 'We're not Lutrans, because they just sprinkle water on you.' The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!' They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?' "I think it means we're Pisscopailians"
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