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Post by othmar on Oct 8, 2006 5:01:13 GMT 12.75
Othmar next time you got to pull a busted bulb, after you turn the switch off; cut a potato in half and jam it over the annode and broken glass to twist it out. Sometimes a broom handle jamed into the mogule will work also. I used a potato it works great too unless, as in my case, you forget to flick the switch to the "off" position. ;D How does the old saying go? "Live and Learn". ;D
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Post by Paws on Oct 8, 2006 6:01:34 GMT 12.75
Well heck I don't know the tater might cook up real nice that way!
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Post by othmar on Oct 8, 2006 6:20:03 GMT 12.75
Well heck I don't know the tater might cook up real nice that way! That and it gives you a permanent perm. ;D
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Post by Paws on Oct 20, 2006 8:57:00 GMT 12.75
Just in time for "Turkey Day" here is one from Dixielady251! PREGNANT TURKEY STORY One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing when her serving spoon hit something. She reached in and pulled out the little bird With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Donna, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep . . . Donna is BLONDE!
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 20, 2006 9:58:15 GMT 12.75
Kinda sounds like something our fearless leader (Paws) would believe too. ;D
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Post by Paws on Jan 12, 2007 13:16:42 GMT 12.75
Of course I believe Donna is a blonde! Oh my gawd; I ;D 'd till I 'd! Keep them coming!
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Post by MadJack on Jan 18, 2007 12:17:53 GMT 12.75
I was all of fouteen and a good, oldest, son to Mary Jane. I was helping cleanup :)the kitchen after dinner one summer night. The brother and sisters were back at summer play outside, as I went about my cleanup. After all, that's how I earned extra money with my allowance. Dad was still at work; he was a teamster, always/ And back in the '60's you worked all the OT you could. Mom was doing something like putting laundry away in the bedrooms (I don't remember exactly). Well I used a wet dishcloth to wipe clean the table. Then, rinsing off the cloth, I did the counters. Then, rinse the cloth again. I removed the electric stove burners and the drip pans. (Oh, You think you know where this went? ;D) Then I used that wet cloth to clean the inner parts of the stove, when the cloth hit the burner contacts, BOOM! I was shoot across the kitchen by my legs being flexed and the abruptly lengthened by Mr Kilo Watt. I hit the outside wall with enough force to put a hole in the dry wall. Mom came rushing in and was wide eyed ,....scared ,...then silent ,...then she couldn't stop laughing ;D until after she'd sat down. Hey! I don't think it was funny. Well, at least not then!
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Post by Paws on Jan 18, 2007 12:25:30 GMT 12.75
Oh God I love those [glow=red,6,900]sizzle[/glow][/b] stories!
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jan 18, 2007 13:12:25 GMT 12.75
Oooooh! Did it give you a new respect for Mr. Kilo Watts? ;D
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Jan 18, 2007 16:14:10 GMT 12.75
Paws and a few others who have known me for a while may have seen this before...it's a rerun...another ZZZAP!!! story.
My New Toy My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey ya'll, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes: Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?) I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun. So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.-tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-it's way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions, I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippeeeeee . . . I'm so easily amused. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy Flying Chit! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jesse Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, huevos nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BOOGER-BEAR that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still throbbing. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88-lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my huevos? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back. <insert pleading look with raised eyebrows> Author's name withheld to protect the guilty...
P. S. Rogue is not the hero of this story...it was passed on to me, although it does sound like something I would do! ;D
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Post by Two Tales on Jan 18, 2007 21:08:00 GMT 12.75
Some years ago I worked construction (new home)..and if ya'll have ever been on a site ya know about service poles, if not they are the temporary electric source for the work crews...well on this one site it was my job to prep and install the pre hung cabinets...so I get out my tools and stuff grab one of the extension cords and un-wrap it...checking it along the way to make sure it is not cut broken and didn't have any bare wires...I set up the table saw and went to measuring everything that needed measured and wrote down all the figures etc...got all the wood I needed and was about to flip the switch when I realized I hadn't run the cord out to the service pole yet...so I grabs the male end and head for the door...came up real short because it had started to sprinkle some (for those that don't live in the great US of Ohio, everyone else on the planet calls these little spring rain showers MONSOONS) well I grab my jacket and out the door I go...pole was about 100 feet from the door exactly the length of my cord (only problem is, the the cord was hooked to the saw some 20 feet from the door..so I came up short...so I drooped the cord over a saw horse (which happened to be just at the right place to do so without dragging it all the way back to the house...got another cord and out into the elements I ventured again..didn't take time to check it over real good but it seemed OK..pluged the first cord into it and headed the last 20 or so feet to the service...dropped the remainder right there in a depression that had formed in to a small body of water just shy of Lake Superior's size...pluged the cord in and got this awful sensation of the world turning over...mind you that I was standing in water several inches over the tops of my work boots at the time...still having a fairly decent grip on the cord, I yanked it back (I would like to tell ya'll that I did this with a completely clear mind and with every intention of delibertly unplugging the cord..but that would be an out and out lie)...well as the cord came out of the receptacle it also came apart which caused the wire on one side to hit the 220 splitter and caused a very bright light to appear be for my eyes...then it was totally dark..when it was light enough for me to see again I was laying on my back about 10feet away from the burning service pole in an extension of the small lake with just my face sticking out of the water...good thing I landed in that lake too cause it put out the fire that had evidently started in my gloves...
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Post by Paws on Jan 18, 2007 22:17:32 GMT 12.75
Rogie I got to get one of those zappers for my cousin David! Now I must go change my underwear!! LMAO!! I love that story. TT, You weren't working with an old boy named Cloyce W. Smith were you? LMAO! He had a nasty habit of sending folk up the service pole to check the link and hitting the toggle switch real quick on and off.
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jan 19, 2007 11:03:43 GMT 12.75
Rogue, I haven't laughed so hard since ....well a long time. Are you sure the hero wasn't you??? That sounds just like something you would try.
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Post by Paws on Jan 19, 2007 13:47:48 GMT 12.75
I sent that to my cousin Linda who said her beau Bob did pretty much the same thing with the dog collar zapper testing the invisible fence. Said he laid there floppin' like a fish ;D
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Post by Paws on Jan 22, 2007 5:14:53 GMT 12.75
Here is one from about 1961 or 62. Seventh grade as I recall and during one of our "Hard Times" experiences me, my brother and my Momma found ourselves living with my dear Aunt Nora, cousin Linda , and Uncle Francis over at 31 Brown Avenue in Athens. I don't remember how long we were there, but certainly long enough to wear out our welcome because I remember Uncle Francis found us a place to live by twisting his son's arm to put us in a rental house he owned. Linda if you drop by and read this please feel free to correct any details my poor memory might screw up here. Linda and I being right near the same age found ourselves in a lot of the same classes. One of these classes, English something or the other I guess required that we provide six each book reports for the year in order to pass. Well the school year passed and many many significant things happened of which I will gladly relate at later dates; however, one evening we discovered, "Hey our last book report is due [glow=white,9,900]TOMORROW[/glow]." Yep sure enough! "Linda, I don't have any done yet!" "Neither do I" says she. Sunday I believe it was the two of us "lived" at her dining room table going through every book available that had a decent back cover synopsis and introduction page. The one's I had read she reported on and vice versa. I had five done and ready to go all prepared in that manner with nothing left to choose from. "What about movies", she asked with a smirk since she had all six of her reports finished. We went over every movie we could remember and the only one we could come up with that I knew who authored the book was The Time Machine by H.G. Wells. So in a half hour or so we together knocked out a really decent book report about the movie from our collective memories. I felt pretty confident about our choice because I always had been a SCIFI addict and had seen the movie several times. The next day in class we turned in our work and I was kind of caught a bit off guard because I hadn't remembered that we also were required to do an oral presentation of one of the books we had read. I was called to the front and asked which book I would like to report on, yep you guessed it. "Time Machine" by H.G. Wells says I! I always did have a gift for the gab so I gave a respectable presentation noting that I captured the classrooms interest as well, surprisingly, that of our teacher. I finished with a round of applause and attempted to return to my seat but was stopped when I discovered that MS Hines was also a SCIFI aficionado! "Terrific movie wasn't it?" she queried. How was I to know the movie ended a little different than the book? Got an A anyway!!
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Post by geiyserq on Jan 22, 2007 5:49:03 GMT 12.75
Here's a dumb one for ya. I was making a quick meal of mac -n- cheese after work one day. I boiled the mac in a stainless pot and drained it in the s/s colander that came with the pan. The colander is heavy duty with holes in the bottom only. Well I put the mac back on the gas range. Next I proceeded to add the milk and butter. The daggone burner snuffed out all the sudden. I picked up the pan and there was all the milk I had just poured in the pan. Yep, you guest it. I forgot to pour the mac in the pan and instead just put the colander on the stove.
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Post by Paws on Jan 22, 2007 6:15:11 GMT 12.75
Them holes work right did they?
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Post by brittonfaith on Jan 22, 2007 6:55:05 GMT 12.75
Phil, on that book report story....I'd give you an "A" too! At least you didn't try pulling what I did once. I was in 5th grade - so probably 1978 or 79. Book report is due TODAY. I'm a pretty decent reader, but hate to read anything other than DIY stuff and the newspaper obits. So, of course, I hadn't read anything to report about. On the way to school, I scratched out a couple of paragraphs about the last story I could recall. The book was Golden Etta Babe - On the Road. Nice little story about a world famous Jersey cow from Yellow Springs, OH. We were suppose to have a copy of the book to hand in with the report. I didn't have the book with me, but figured if I said it was "out on loan" he would understand. Teach never indicated that it had to be a published book, or mentioned that it could not be a work we had personally written. Got an "F" on the report even though I had a scrapbook with all kinds of research (pictures, herd records, and press releases) about the cow in my locker.
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Post by Paws on Jan 22, 2007 7:48:56 GMT 12.75
"Oh what a tangled web we weave...." [/b]
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Post by OLKoot on Jan 22, 2007 10:55:55 GMT 12.75
I did a book report "ONCE"....I was in the 5th grade and I figured I'd get something short to read....Well I found a childrens hard covered book, about 14-16 pages about the life of Chopin with pictures too....As I remembered, I got a good grade.....So since I knew what I was taking about, I used the same book report in the 6-7-8ht grade, and all 4 years in high school....I just embellished it a bit with words I found in my thesourass!!!! Never got caught.....I cant remember if I used it in college English , MAYBE!!! ;D ;D
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