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Post by Paws on Jan 22, 2007 11:20:32 GMT 12.75
Bro Freddie, would you mind having a little talk with Bro Steve here?
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jan 22, 2007 14:01:36 GMT 12.75
While on the subject of book reports......
As a Senior in Delight High School, I carried a B average. Understand, if you could do a decent book report, you could carry a high average. Since I love to read, I was always fairly good at it. I would read anything that would hold still long enough. Anyway, deer season rolled around and in those days it was just 1 week long. My uncle talked my dad into letting me take out the whole week to hunt (I had never killed a deer at that time) since I had such good grades. Dad agreed and plans were made. My English teacher assigned a book report due the week of season, but I done mine early and was ready to take out. One of my friends wanted me to do a report for him and since it paid $10 I said I would. Well, I did, and even wrote it out for him to copy. I gave it to my sister (who is 1 year younger than me) to give to him. Instead, she turned it in to the teacher! A bool report in my handwritting, with another name on it, turned in, with me out of school. Needless to say, I learned never to give my sister something that could get me in trouble.
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Post by Paws on Jan 22, 2007 14:06:46 GMT 12.75
Aw geez; Brother Toby could you have a little talk here with Bro. Freddie?
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Post by geiyserq on Jan 28, 2007 5:13:11 GMT 12.75
lol......I can't wait to hear Brother Toby's book report story........
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Post by Paws on Jan 28, 2007 5:47:14 GMT 12.75
Oh my goodness! If he has just a couple like these he might end up in jail or at least sued!
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Post by OLKoot on Jan 28, 2007 10:54:17 GMT 12.75
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jan 28, 2007 13:09:17 GMT 12.75
Ya'll know what? In fact I do have a good one on book reports. I made mine up! I've always been blessed with a gift for bullsh*tting and high school book reorts were some of my best examples! I did a few reports that way. Only once did the teacher ask to see the book and I told her that it had been a book I borrowed from my Grandaddy and next time I saw him I'd get it for her. She never brought it back up and I sure didn't remind her to.
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Post by Paws on Jan 28, 2007 15:20:59 GMT 12.75
Why Toby I'm shocked! ;D
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jan 28, 2007 18:46:03 GMT 12.75
I pulled a boner yesterday I'll admit to.
I put a new string on my recurve and after getting a little shoting done with the kids, I robin hooded a wooden shaft. So, in honor of the event, I wedged a nock onto the end of the busted arrow and told the kids I was offering it up to the "archery gods" and shot it skyward, sailing it off into the woods behind the house.
I thought I was being quite clever and so did the older kids until Fred, the youngest looked kind of serious and asked me, "was that responsible?"
Little turd! He was right, it was a stupid thing to do. It makes ya feel kind of dumb when a ittle kid points it out.
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Post by Paws on Jan 29, 2007 3:37:54 GMT 12.75
"Out of the mouths of babes..." (I guess that's why we are always telling them to be quiet!)
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Post by OLKoot on Jan 29, 2007 4:13:46 GMT 12.75
Aint it the truth Toby.....Do any of you remember the Art Linkletter show on TV where he would ask a group of kids a question and they would answer in only the innocent way a kid would...Some of the stories were hillarious while some old Art had to put his hand across the kids mouth just to shut them up....In those days I dont think they had the technology to have gone to commercial real quick during an obscene answer.....
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Post by Paws on Jan 29, 2007 4:32:46 GMT 12.75
Do you mean People Are Funny? Nope; never heard of it.
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Post by OLKoot on Jan 29, 2007 11:44:32 GMT 12.75
YUP, that was the first reality show on TV.... ;D
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Post by raingauge on Feb 10, 2007 16:46:34 GMT 12.75
I miss Art Linkletter and Kids say the Darndest Things. Probably good I never was on the show........
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Post by Paws on Feb 23, 2007 0:18:53 GMT 12.75
I can well imagine RG! I guess you might say I qualified for an audition. I must have been five or six years old. I remember the incident because Mom never did let me fortget it. Back in those days those of you who are old enough might remember that if you didn't want to you never had to go shopping cause eventually somebody would bring just what you needed to your door. We would get probably at least one salesman every day. My favorites were Jewel Tea, Fuller Brush, and Nickels Bakery or "The Bread Man" as everyone called him. Anyway those were the daily elements of excitement for a first grader in Marion Ohio living in "The Cabins" on North Main Street in a "shotgun" house. Shotgun house ? Yeah, "The Cabins" were a group of cheap houses with one or two bedrooms built by the railroad for their workers that were eventually bought and resold winding up as part of a propeerty parcel owned by a well to do fella who rented them out. I guess I remember there were probably around six or eight of them including a gasoline station and a big house where the Land Lord lived. Shotgun, because the floor plan was "as straight as a shotgun barrel". There were three doors in our little two bedroom house. They began with the front door, then the door to Mom and Dad's bedroom, then the door to the bathroom. Actually me and my brother had our bed off to the left side of what might better be called a short hall between the living room and Mom and Dad's bedroom. Enter the front door and the house was kitchen, living room, mine and brother's room, Mom and Dad's room, and the bathroom. During the day we usually left all of the doors open unless someone was using the bathroom. We cooled the place by opening the hard door and just leaving the screen door closed at the front and opening the bathroom window at the back of the house. Oh, did I mention that the doors were all in perfect alignment? Well one fine day I remember the Fuller Brush man came and knocked on the door and since Mom was using the bathroom I answered. "Where is your Momma son?" "She is right here!", I replied as I ran to the back of the house and threw open the bathroom door! Oh did I mention that the throne was also perfectly aligned with the three doors?
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Post by Paws on Feb 23, 2007 0:24:17 GMT 12.75
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up.3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education. The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder. A little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head. almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that the re is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened?" I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear..not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider a "city folk".I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the idiot that tried to rope the deer". Signed; Anonymous and keeping it that way Thanks to Bill Hurley for submitting this!
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Post by geiyserq on Feb 23, 2007 3:23:30 GMT 12.75
Yep. I must say that is the dumbest........... Mays as well lock this thread down Paws. No need to keep it open. ;D ;D ;D ;D This should be one of those stories you email to 10 people on your list.
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Post by Toby Benoit on Feb 23, 2007 8:26:39 GMT 12.75
Oh man, that's even better than licking the calculator chord! ;D ;D ;D ;D
I love the way he told the story too, I could just see him getting mauled! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by OLKoot on Feb 23, 2007 14:06:37 GMT 12.75
A classic, I will tell this story around many a campfire....I should live that long!!!! ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Mar 6, 2007 9:45:34 GMT 12.75
Had to share this. My cousin, Dave Slater who stars in several of these stories sent me an e-mail talking about the old Burma Shave signs. I replied with the following: "If you store your gun powder in a glass jar it'll blow your ass off maybe leave a scar." Burma Shave "When going paratrooping a bedspread won't do, If God hadn't been watching You'd be a pile of pooh!" Burma Shave "To play with electric even in toy trains. Don't mix with kerosene, that takes no brains!" Burma Shave Phil Foreman (Pawclaws) aka Kass Irons, Company QMSgt and Instructor of Cooks, Mosby's Raiders Light Artillery, CSA David replied: I did some pretty dumb things, This is clear, It's because my cousin Phil was here. Burma Shave (or maybe close shave) I always could talk him into trouble! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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