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Post by Toby Benoit on Aug 29, 2007 8:52:06 GMT 12.75
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f**king widow! ;D
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Post by ET on Aug 29, 2007 12:49:26 GMT 12.75
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops but, since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so. Then, she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we’ll find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly." No, she's not." he replied, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's a battery salesman." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore." ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Aug 29, 2007 23:45:42 GMT 12.75
;D LMAO! You boys are both nutz!
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Post by Mars on Aug 30, 2007 0:54:12 GMT 12.75
I don't know about Toby but ET is definetly nuuu.. a nice guy! Novembers to dang close. ;D
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Post by ET on Aug 30, 2007 8:45:00 GMT 12.75
Jon is driving a tour bus full of elderly passengers. One little old lady comes forward during a trip and offers Jon a handful of peanuts. Jon says "thanks" and pops them in his mouth. A few minutes later, the same lady gives him another handful, then another. Jon receives over six handfuls before he asks the lady, "why are you giving me all of these peanuts"? She says" none of us can chew them because of our false teeth". Jon asks "then why did you buy them all?" The lady says "we liked the taste of the chocolate covering". ;D ;D ;D
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Post by ET on Aug 30, 2007 8:50:27 GMT 12.75
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the Balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan in to operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," He called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board...." After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle." ;D ;D I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it... he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said " Hey buddy, I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well then, which dwarf are you?" And that's how the fight started. WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt ;D ;D
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Post by OLKoot on Aug 30, 2007 9:22:09 GMT 12.75
Bubba and Clyde were hanging around one day and Bubba says to Clyde.....I'm planning to go to college and Ive already been given my classes......So Clyde asks what they are and Bubba says......I'll be taking English, Psych,Geograhy and logic....... Clyde says ,Logic? Whats that??? Well Bubba says that the advisor explained it and it goes like this.....He said he could find out alot about someone.... He asked if I owned a weedwacker.....and I said yes.....he said therefore if you own a weedwacker you have to have a lawn.....then he said, if you have a lawn, therefore you must have a house, then he said, if you own a house, you must have a wife....then he said therefore if you had a wife, you must have kids....Clyde was realy impressed with this.....So Clyde felt that was interesting and he said to Bubba to try it on him..... So Bubba asked Clyde if he had a weedwacker to which Clyde replyed "NO" so then Bubba said...." Then your gay!!!" ;D
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Post by Toby Benoit on Aug 31, 2007 5:06:26 GMT 12.75
Little Leroy walked up to his mother, Lucretia, as she was watching Oprah on tv and asked her, "Mom, what's it like to be white?" His mom thought for a minute and then she shrugged and told him to go ask his dad. Leroy found his dad, Jamal, out on the front porch nursing a Schlitz and asked him, "Dad, what's it like to be white?" His dad told him to stop being stupid and sent him back in the house, but Leroy was determined to find out what it would be like to be white, so he went into the kitchen and got out a sack of flour and began to cover himself liberally. His Mom walked in and asked what he was doing and he answered, "I just wanted to know what it's like to be white." She slapped him on the side of the head and yelled for his dad to come in there. His dad arrived and seeing Leroy covered in flour asked the same question as the boy's mother and received the same responce from Leroy and the dad slapped him on the other side of the head and they sent him off to his room. A little later, his parents went to check on him and found him sitting on the edge oft he bed with a scowl and asked him what was wrong and he told them, "Well, I ain't been white but five minutes and already I hate ya'll damn censored s!"
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Post by Paws on Aug 31, 2007 7:43:22 GMT 12.75
Sixty year old Linda Mae got asked by an eighty eight year old suitor for coffee and conversation. She asked her daughter what she thought since the old gent is very wealthy. Her daughter advised her to go for it and in fact might help him along to the grave after marriage with an act of fellatio. Linda may winced and asked her daughter what she thought it might taste like him being so old and probably not all that pristine. Her daughter replied; "Just Depends Mom, just Depends."
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Post by Paws on Aug 31, 2007 21:50:02 GMT 12.75
Ole, out on the golf course takes, a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soonas he could manage, he Took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée , Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it Heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, And taped it all together . . quite an impressive work of art. Ole, mentions None of this to Lena. Marries her, and they go on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her Beautiful untouched breasts. She said, "You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen dez." Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, . . . . . "Look at dis, .. .. Still in da CRATE!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vatch out fer da sphlinters dere Lena; yah!
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 1, 2007 14:17:09 GMT 12.75
It's official, the City Of New Orleans will be eliminating all of the German Shepherds from their police force and replacing them with CoonDogs.
The reasoning is that the Germans aren't the problem.... ;D
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Post by ET on Sept 2, 2007 4:15:33 GMT 12.75
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
! She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
Scroll Down
A Misdewiener!
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Post by ET on Sept 4, 2007 9:46:15 GMT 12.75
Democratic Candidates For President! Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
If you are one of those 156 million forward this!
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Post by ET on Sept 6, 2007 12:11:46 GMT 12.75
Three strangers awaiting their flights struck up a conversation in the passenger lounge at Midland, Texas, airport. One was a Native American passing through from Lame Deer. Another was a Cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show. The third passenger was a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at Texas State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifted to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the student is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The Cowboy leaned back in his chair, crossed his boots on a magazine table, and tipped his Stetson forward over his face. (Can't you just picture Sam Elliot doing this?) The wind outside was blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock was flapping; but no plane.
Finally the Native Americn cleared his throat and spoke softly. "At one time, here, my people were many. But, sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raised an eyebrow and leaned forward. "Once my people were few, here," he sneered, "but now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifted his toothpick to one side of his mouth and, from the darkness beneath his Stetson, said in a broad drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet; but I do believe it's a-comin'".
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 6, 2007 16:49:49 GMT 12.75
Ya doggone right about that pardner!! ;D ;D
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Post by ET on Sept 10, 2007 13:09:30 GMT 12.75
A Little Girl's Pay Check Kind of brings a tear to the eye.. ************* A Little Girl's Pay Check Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time... A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay e nvelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those a$$ho**s at Home Depot ever deliver the f---ing sheet rock..." ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 10, 2007 15:17:30 GMT 12.75
;D ;D ;D Good one ET! Two Ohio Yankees were opening a bookstore in Yazoo City Mississippi and they hadn't yet brought in their inventory and had been painting and recarpeting, when a local boy came strolling by and the two Yankees could see him standing outside on the sidewalk reading their new sign above the building. The first Yankee looks at his partner and says, "I bet you a dollar he's going to stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling here." "Yeah," the other replies, "I doubt I'll ever get used to these slow witted Rednecks." Sure enough after a few second the door opens and the Southerner takes a look around and asks, "Place is kinda empty; what is it ya'll plan on selling?" The first Yankee winks at his partner and responds to the Southerner, "Why, we're selling Assholes of course." "Well, you must be doing good," the Redneck smiles, "I can see ya done sold all but two!"
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Post by ET on Sept 11, 2007 5:07:05 GMT 12.75
Life finally explained: On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, Go! d created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family for this; I will give you a life span of sixty Years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the! next f orty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Post by ET on Sept 12, 2007 9:36:08 GMT 12.75
Tenjooberrymuds By the time you finish reading this, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "Tenjooberrymuds." In order to continue getting by in America (our homeland), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "tenjooberrymuds." With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes. The following is a telephone exchange between you as a hotel guest and a call to Room Service somewhere in the good old U.S. of A. today. Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service." Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" Guest: "Uh...yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." Room Service: "Ow July den?" Guest: "What???" Room Service: "Ow July den?!?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry...scrambled, please." Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine." Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?" Guest: "What?" Room Service: "An toes. July sahn toes?" Guest: "I...don't think so." Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???" Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why jodo wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!; I've got it! You were saying 'toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." Room Service: "We bodder?" Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side." Room Service: "Wad?!?" Guest: "I mean butter...just put the butter on the side." Room Service: "Copy?" Guest: "Excuse me?" Room Service: "Copy...tea...meel?" Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please...and that's everything." Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh, and copy...rye??" Guest: "Whatever you say." Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds." Guest: "You're welcome" Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'tenjooberrymuds' "...and you do, don't you!
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Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 12, 2007 17:08:23 GMT 12.75
An old man lie ill on what appeared to be his death bed and he was settling his affairs before the expected end brought him away.
Throughout the afternoon, he'd spoken with his sons and grandchildren and dear friends and offered each of them gifts and words of kindness that they might remember him fondly.
Near the end of the day, he summoned his faithful butler of forty years to come to him.
"Bomanishulls", the old gent began, "You've been a wonderful employee for many years, but more than that Bomanishulls, you've become like family and I want to leave you with a little security to see you through your retirement."
"Oh no Suh, I's been pleased these many years to be butlin' fo you Suh, You's paid me well and made me feel like home folks. You don't owe me nuttin' mo!" cried the distressed butler.
"All the same Bomanishulls," the old fellow continued, "I've filled out a check for a sum I wish for you to have, but I feel so foolish....I don't know your full name to make this check out to."
"Wel suh, if'n you jus' insist. My name is Harold Jefferson, suh, you's can jist make it right out to Harold Jefferson."
The old man looked dumb struck, "What do you mean Harold Jefferson, Bomanishulls. I've never known you by any other name but Bomanishulls."
"Well suh that's my name, Harold Jefferson. Forty years ago when I come into dis heah house for my job interview, you asked me what was my name and I told you then it was Harold Jefferson, but like my friends, I asked you to call me bomanishulls. They is HJ!" ;D
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