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Post by Snake Eyes on Oct 9, 2007 23:14:07 GMT 12.75
;D You just have to love blond jokes! Everytime I hear one I just can't wait to tell a certain blond I know.She is no dummy and just loves them..... snake-eyes
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Post by Mars on Oct 10, 2007 1:04:59 GMT 12.75
That made me think of my wife, except for the blonde part. ;D ;)Dang redheads!
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Post by Toby Benoit on Oct 10, 2007 10:00:18 GMT 12.75
How's a blonde turn on the lights after sex? She opens the car door!
How do you know when a blondes been dating a cowboy? Belt buckle prints on her forehead.
How can you always spot a true blonde from a bottle blonde? Check for rug burns on her knees!
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 10, 2007 13:06:58 GMT 12.75
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 11, 2007 23:42:41 GMT 12.75
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Post by Paws on Oct 11, 2007 23:48:41 GMT 12.75
Groannnnnnnnnnnn.
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 12, 2007 2:21:02 GMT 12.75
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists .
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"OMG, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
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Post by Toby Benoit on Oct 12, 2007 18:10:48 GMT 12.75
A guy was walking down the highway and came across a ball cap with the Arkansas Razorbacks logo on it. He picked it up and since it was still in good condition, he put it on and continued walking.
Later a big cadillac pulls up and offers the guy a ride and he gets in. Behind the wheel is this older fellow that's more than just a little feminin. As they travel down the highway the driver asks, "so, you get picked up a lot?"
The guy answered, "No, my truck's broke down."
"Well, are you glad I picked you up?"
"Sure," answers the guy.
"Is that because you needed a ride or because you are attracted to me?" asks the driver.
"Well, becaue I needed a ride," he says.
"Oh, but since you did need a ride and I'm giving you one, is there anything else I can give you?" the driver says with a wink.
The poor guy'd had about enough of the drivers obvious gay come-ons and tells him shortly, " Just let me out fella! I don't know what you think I am, but I just found this hat, I'm not really from Arkansas!"
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Post by Paws on Oct 13, 2007 0:39:12 GMT 12.75
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Post by gsoflittledove on Oct 18, 2007 4:47:49 GMT 12.75
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said, "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said, "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said, "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you." NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYAH!!!! ;D
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Post by ET on Oct 18, 2007 12:12:05 GMT 12.75
Square Testicles An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, "she had a lot of money." After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly, the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !' ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 19, 2007 14:24:27 GMT 12.75
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 19, 2007 14:26:26 GMT 12.75
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach....
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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Post by Mars on Oct 22, 2007 12:02:25 GMT 12.75
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN > 4 - 5 lb. Chicken > 1 cup melted butter > 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.) > 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste > > > > Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter > salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan > with the neck end toward the back of the oven. > > > > Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven > door open and the chicken flies across the room, spinning around, it's done. > > > > And, you thought I couldn't cook...
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Post by ET on Oct 22, 2007 12:05:40 GMT 12.75
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Post by Paws on Oct 27, 2007 0:30:19 GMT 12.75
-------------- THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY 1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR..... 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOA P? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM? 16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17 CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE (YELLOW RO AD) SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST "ACTS OF GOD"?
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 27, 2007 1:39:57 GMT 12.75
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless
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Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one!
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Post by Mars on Oct 27, 2007 5:34:58 GMT 12.75
Ask the Blue Angels!
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Post by Paws on Oct 30, 2007 1:30:28 GMT 12.75
The Accident > > > A very beautiful woman & a man are involved in a car accident on a > snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are > totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God > works in Mysterious ways. > > After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. > That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's > nothing left , but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we > should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of > our days". > > Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this > must be a sign from God!" > > The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. > My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. > Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good > fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. > > The man nods his head in agreement, opens it & drinks half the bottle > & then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle & > immediately puts the cap back on, & hands it back to the man. > > The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" > > The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police." > >
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Post by brittonfaith on Oct 31, 2007 4:29:27 GMT 12.75
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started . . .
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