|
Post by Bro. Freddie on Sept 18, 2007 5:41:55 GMT 12.75
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These Alabama , Arkansas , Georgia , Kentucky , Mississippi , West Virginia , Missouri , Virginia , Oklahoma , Tennessee , and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists : 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
|
|
|
Post by ET on Sept 18, 2007 12:26:40 GMT 12.75
The Sweetness of Married Life
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.. ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because t he wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN $HIT! SIT YOUR A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT $HIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?'
And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
-- MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!--
|
|
|
Post by Toby Benoit on Sept 18, 2007 15:56:35 GMT 12.75
"MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!" Yeah, well it's scaring the hell outta me!!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Mars on Sept 19, 2007 0:21:32 GMT 12.75
Toby's a chicken! ;D Marriage is easy. Divorce is a bit%#. ;D Just remember that good or bad, it was your fault. All bad things are your fault and all good things are your fault because she told you to do it.
|
|
|
Post by ET on Sept 19, 2007 11:35:34 GMT 12.75
Twenty Dollars On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused tate, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash! and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. ;D ;D ;D The bridge "I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, just about to jump off. Immediately I ran over to him and said, 'Stop! Don't do it!' "'Why shouldn't I?' he said. "'I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!' "'Like what?' "'Well ... are you religious or atheist?' "'Religious.' '"Me, too! Are you Christian or Jewish?' "'Christian.' '"Me, too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?' "'Protestant.' "'Me, too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?' "'Baptist.' "'Wow! Me, too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?' "'Baptist Church of God.' "'Wow! Me, too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?' "'Reformed Baptist Church of God.' "'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?' "'Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!' "To which I said, 'Die, heretic scum!' and pushed him off."
|
|
|
Post by Bro. Freddie on Sept 22, 2007 0:14:02 GMT 12.75
A typical Arkansas baby!
An Arkansas Razorback fan is drinking in a Dallas, Texas bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Razorback baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Razorback fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Arkansas Razorback baby boy. Gonna be a Razorback football player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Arkansas Razorback baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Arkansas father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
|
|
|
Post by gsoflittledove on Sept 25, 2007 5:18:42 GMT 12.75
[glow=red,2,300][/glow]TEXAS Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ... If someone in a store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas. If you've worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you probably live in Texas. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you most likely live in Texas. If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Ft. Worth for the weekend, you probably live in Texas. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas. If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas. If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas…... ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate. :-)
|
|
|
Post by Bro. Freddie on Sept 27, 2007 20:20:45 GMT 12.75
Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim that an Unidentified flying object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been reportedly covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. Hillary Rodham Clinton John F. Kerry William Jefferson Clinton Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
|
|
|
Post by brittonfaith on Sept 28, 2007 11:38:47 GMT 12.75
So now I understand what is awry with mother and why she keeps having this hankering to return to the dessert!! ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Bro. Freddie on Sept 29, 2007 21:17:47 GMT 12.75
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all day!"
|
|
|
Post by ET on Sept 29, 2007 23:57:06 GMT 12.75
SMART ALECK ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ALECK ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ALECK ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ALECK ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." SMART ALECK ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ALECK ANSWER #1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-aleck guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says. "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by ET on Sept 29, 2007 23:58:17 GMT 12.75
TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases! 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework..........
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
|
|
|
Post by Paws on Sept 30, 2007 0:07:49 GMT 12.75
|
|
|
Post by Bro. Freddie on Sept 30, 2007 10:40:17 GMT 12.75
Book Report of the Year
Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life", by Bill Clinton.
One smart-a** student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor had a sense of humor and gave the student an A+ for his report:
Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over three hours to read Clinton: Over three hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullsh*t artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember jack.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... Basically the same thing!
|
|
|
Post by pwrwgnlady on Oct 3, 2007 14:02:52 GMT 12.75
Ok guys, this one is not a joke but actually happened. My neighbor has a rooster in a cage on her back patio. Every morning at 4, I was awakened by the crowing. I asked her why she had it and she denied it's existence. A few weeks later, her dog was trying to get at the rooster, with help from my cat Jinx. She started yelling, in a mix of English and Korean, that the rooster would be killed. I told her," you can't blame the cat or dog if the rooster gets killed. You told me it didn't the rooster didn't exist!" I haven't heard the rooster again and she stopped talking to me again.
|
|
|
Post by ET on Oct 5, 2007 10:34:09 GMT 12.75
Why Girls don't put out" - by some random guy I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b***h knows I'm smarter than her. ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Bro. Freddie on Oct 6, 2007 0:00:28 GMT 12.75
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'malmost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
|
|
|
Post by Paws on Oct 8, 2007 1:03:37 GMT 12.75
Good ones there boys! Your's too Kathy!
|
|
|
Post by Lt Colonel Bruce Reynolds on Oct 8, 2007 2:10:53 GMT 12.75
Three women go into a bar, a Red head a Brunette and a Blond. The Red head asks the bartender for a CL, the bartender thinks for a moment and say you want a Coors Light, the red head says yes. He then asks the Brunette what she wants, she says a BL, he thinks for a moment and says a Bud Light, and her reply is yes. He then asks the Blond what she would like to drink and she says a 15, the bartender thinks and thinks on this one and finally says "Lady just what is a 15?" So the blond tells him its a 7 7 dummie.
And who said Blonds cant add. ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Toby Benoit on Oct 9, 2007 13:17:24 GMT 12.75
What does a blond ask before having sex? Ya'll on the same team?
|
|