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Post by gsoflittledove on Feb 8, 2008 3:39:33 GMT 12.75
There was a Baptist Church in South that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday. "
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Post by Snake Eyes on Feb 8, 2008 20:10:17 GMT 12.75
BULLETIN BLOOPERS! (1) Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10a. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. (2)Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.Please enter thru the back door. (3)The pastor will preach his farewell message,after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." (4) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. (5) At the evening service tonight,the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell".Come early and listen to out choir practice. snake-eyes Hmm
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Feb 15, 2008 14:30:04 GMT 12.75
When the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers, a lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely. All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose, walked to the podium, and said, 'I'm Jim, and I want to tell my wife - once again - the word is STERNUM.
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Post by Paws on Feb 16, 2008 6:30:27 GMT 12.75
Pheeewwww! Man that was close!
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Feb 18, 2008 3:07:17 GMT 12.75
These can't even compare to the hilarity of the one Freddy posted. I do a clean family humor column in my local paper in memory of a departed friend who used to do the column. Thought I'd post some of the ones I've used in the paper already.
-Rogie-
****** On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
****** A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company. Moral: Don't make old guys angry...they'll beat you with age, wisdom, and experience every time!
****** Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet", do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure", do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break", do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant! ****** A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my dime for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a quarter for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take a dime for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for a dime."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Feb 18, 2008 3:10:45 GMT 12.75
I think they are just as funny, if not more so. Keep posting them! ;D
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Post by Paws on Feb 18, 2008 22:01:51 GMT 12.75
From Cousin Linda: Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time," (I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:) "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Feb 19, 2008 1:19:09 GMT 12.75
Great! With yours and "Cousin Linda's" permission, I'd like to use that one in a future edition of the paper. Both clean and funny...that's what I look for as submissions.
The paper is The Aztec Talon, Aztec, NM...and the column is "Harley's Humor...perpetuated in memory of Harley Sills."
-Rogie-
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Post by Paws on Feb 19, 2008 7:33:42 GMT 12.75
OK but can we come down and ride your bike?
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Mar 4, 2008 11:56:12 GMT 12.75
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a cool drink. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver waving this horse blanket and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
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Post by Paws on Mar 5, 2008 3:05:10 GMT 12.75
Now Pastor that don't have a dang thing to do with religeon! It is funny though, ;D The doctor just told the old Jew lying on his death bed that he had only hours left surely no more than a couple of days. "Get my lawyer, get my insurance man! Get them here quickly !" The old man exclaimed. This was done and within an hour both were there. "One on each side", he instructed. "Now what", inquired the attorney. "Just stand there", the old man replied, then continued "Christ died between two thieves sooooo... " (I stole this from Benjamin Ard'e)
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Post by Mars on Mar 5, 2008 3:50:31 GMT 12.75
Ain't it religious if a Pastor posted it?
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Post by Paws on Mar 5, 2008 4:02:51 GMT 12.75
Oh yeah, I guess it is!
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Mar 5, 2008 16:36:55 GMT 12.75
Tonto and Lone Ranger are camping out on the prairie one night...they awaken in the wee hours of the morning and are lying in thier bedroll looking up at the sky. Tonto said, "Hmmm! Kemo Sabe...what you see?" The Lone Ranger says, I see millions of stars...actually millions and billions of stars." Tonto says, "What that mean to you, Kemo Sabe?" The Lone Ranger replies, "In the vastness of the universe, we are just a speck...why, there are probably billions of earthlike planets up there capable of supporting life...who knows...maybe there are other people just like us looking up and wondering about the universe. What does it mean to you, Tonto?" "Hmmm! Kemo Sabe!" replies Tonto, "You dumber than buffalo droppings! It mean someone stole our dadgummed tent!"
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Post by Toby Benoit on Mar 5, 2008 20:31:33 GMT 12.75
The Lone Ranger had been captured by a band of thieves and was tied up and set to die when he asked for one last request. He asked if any of them would spare a dying man a cigar? Well, one of the not so hardhearted of the crowd offered him a lit stogie and the Lone Ranger began puffing away, blowing tiny smoke signals to Tonto who was hidden in the distant rocks watching. The Lone Ranger nused that cigar for all it was worth and just before the nub had shortened enough to burn his lips, here come Tonto riding full tilt into the bad men's camp with a naked woman on the back of his horse. The Lone Ranger shook his head and cursed, "Dadgummit Injun, can't you read? I said POSSE, get the doggone POSSE!!!"
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Post by RogueWarrior1957 on Mar 6, 2008 14:38:11 GMT 12.75
A Priest was about to leave his Mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a "rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest really is getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy intimate activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "Riding MY bike!"
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Post by Paws on Mar 7, 2008 0:51:16 GMT 12.75
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and ? He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter." From Tony Santamarina
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Post by Paws on Mar 17, 2008 7:35:43 GMT 12.75
Pastor's New Teeth The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Mar 17, 2008 12:48:33 GMT 12.75
BAPTIST BATHROOM
A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided en the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally, she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?" When the campground owner received the letter, he could not figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since the letterhead on the paper referred to a Baptist Church.
Therefore, he sent this reply: Dear Madam, The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt, you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately, my wife is ill and has not be ?n able to attend regularly. It has been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there
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Post by gsoflittledove on Apr 19, 2008 3:02:37 GMT 12.75
Spelling to get into Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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