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Post by gsoflittledove on Apr 30, 2008 3:55:11 GMT 12.75
You took my Place One day, a man went to visit a church, He got there early, parked his car and got out. Another car pulled up near the driver got out and said, " I always park there! You took my place!" The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You took my place!" The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing. After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down . Another member walked up to him and said, " That's where I always sit! You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing. Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?" The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye, "I took your place." No Joke But Very TRUE
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Post by Paws on May 7, 2008 23:22:55 GMT 12.75
From Tom Griffin: In a small conservative town (you get to choose which one), there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern. The local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening. They prayed and signed petitions. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern. The night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that – until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. "I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 8, 2008 2:58:44 GMT 12.75
CHURCH HOUSE SQUIRRELS There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective so lution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter . Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they t ook one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since. ;D
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Post by Mars on May 8, 2008 9:08:25 GMT 12.75
If'n they was southern baptists then they'ns be etin squirrel gravy Sunday m'onin.
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Post by gsoflittledove on May 19, 2008 3:14:02 GMT 12.75
In Life there TWO thing to Worry about Are You WELL or are you SICK. If You are WELL there is nothing to Worry about But if You are SICK You worry if You will get Well or Die If You get WELL there is nothing to Worry about But if You Die are You going To Heaven or Hell If You are going to Heaven there is nothing to Worry about But if You go to Hell You;ll be so busy shaking hands with all your Friends You wont have time to worry This put a punch in Bro. Freddie's Lesson today
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Post by Paws on May 19, 2008 7:23:20 GMT 12.75
;D
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Post by Paws on Jun 8, 2008 2:28:29 GMT 12.75
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her. "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
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Post by Paws on Jun 11, 2008 3:45:12 GMT 12.75
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lot s of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! '' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jul 22, 2008 9:42:56 GMT 12.75
Every morning a woman went out on her front porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORDDDD!!, to the top of her voice.
Her annoyed next door atheist neighbor would stand on her porch and shout back, "there is no Lord!"
The faith filled woman was praying for the Lord to send her some groceries and the atheist, working outside in the yard, overheard her and so went and got a couple of sacks of groceries. She hid in the believing womans hedge early next morning after setting the groceries on her porch.
When the woman came out and found the food she said "Praise the Lord!" extra loud and several times. The atheist stepped out of the bushes and said, wagging her finger, "See, there is no Lord, I brought those groceries!"
Praise the Lord! the petitioner said again as she carried the needed goods inside while looking over her shoulder, "not only did God provide the groceries in answer to my prayer, he made the devil pay for them!"
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Post by Paws on Jul 22, 2008 23:06:30 GMT 12.75
;D ;D
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Jul 27, 2008 1:43:13 GMT 12.75
One Sunday morning, standing in front of his congregation a preacher said we are going to play a little game. I'm going to say a word and I want someone to give me a hymn that it reminds them of and we'll sing it. He said o.k. the first word is grace, a little girl raised her hand and said that's easy--amazing grace, the preacher said very good and they sang the song. He said o.k. the next word is cross, a man raised his hand and said that makes me think of The OLD Rugged Cross, the preacher said very good, and they sang the song. The preacher said o.k. that was great but, I think I'm making this a little to easy so we are going to go a different direction. The preacher looks out at his congregation and said SEX, and the congregation went silent and everyone looked at each other in disbelief, and then a little old lady about 90 years old stood up in the front pew and said "Prescious Memories"
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Post by Toby Benoit on Jul 27, 2008 13:05:24 GMT 12.75
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Aug 8, 2008 22:01:45 GMT 12.75
Duct Tape or a Nail ? A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, 'Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.' 'Okay,' the man says, 'I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.' 'That's wonderful,' says St.Peter, 'that's worth two points!' 'Two points?' he says. 'Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.' 'Terrific!' says St.Peter.. 'That's certainly worth a point.' 'One point!?!!' 'I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.' 'Fantastic, that's good for two more points,' he says. 'Two points!?!! 'Exasperated, the man cries. 'At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God.' 'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!' We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with a nail. AMEN...
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Aug 13, 2008 12:06:42 GMT 12.75
Kids say the darnedest things!
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throwup.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children,'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible -Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' 'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday,there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked,'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
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Post by azslim on Aug 23, 2008 15:22:28 GMT 12.75
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "it stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'."
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday School lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!
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Post by Paws on Aug 24, 2008 2:03:33 GMT 12.75
I particularly like the first one as it speaks of beaurocracy speak B.I.B.L.E
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Post by Paws on Aug 27, 2008 9:02:54 GMT 12.75
A man's car breaks down in front of the monastery. He knocks on the door and asks for a place to sleep. The monks take good care of him and provide him with a good meal and a nice clean room. Just before dozing, the man hears an unusually strange, but interesting sound. The following morning at breakfast, the man asks a monk what the sound was. The monk replied, "I would love to tell you, but I can't because... you are not a monk." The man is saddened, but heads on his way. Five years later the same man returns to this small village. Again his car breaks down in front of the monastery. He knocks on the door and asks for a place to sleep. The monks again take good care of him and provide him with a good meal and a nice clean room. And, just like five years before, just before dozing, the man hears the unusually strange, but interesting sound. The following morning at breakfast, the man asks a monk what the sound was. The monk replied, "I would love to tell you, but I can't because... you are not a monk." The man is heartbroken. "What do I need to do to become a monk?," the man asks. The monk replies, "You must travel the world and count all the blades of grass and all the grains of sand and come back and give us the exact number of each. Then and only then will you be a monk." The man thanks the monk and heads out on his way. For the next 50 years, the man travels the world and then returns to the monastery. He looks the monk straight in the eye and says, "There are 16,475,895,899,366 blades of grass. There are 19,578,835,457,952 grains of sand." The monk is well pleased and announces that this man is now a monk. "Great!", says the man. "Now tell me what that unusually strange, but interesting sound is. I have waited for this day for 55 years." The monks hand him a key and say it is just on the other side of that wooden door. The man opens the door, only to find a stone door. He turns around and looks at the monks. They hand him another key. He opens the stone door only to find a door made of steal. The man demands the key and the monks give it to him. Door after door, emerald, ruby, gold etc. Then came the last door. The monks hand him the last key and wish him well. The man opens the door and his eyes buldge at the sight of what is making this unusually strange, but interesting sound. And I would love to tell you what it is,.... but I can't because... ....you are not a monk. LOL... Have a great day
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Post by Bro. Freddie on Aug 27, 2008 9:13:29 GMT 12.75
Well, shoot. Now I'll never know cause I ain't gonna become no monk. Where is an English teacher when you need one??? ;D ;D
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Post by Paws on Sept 3, 2008 3:00:16 GMT 12.75
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. (Summer, 2006 Release) -------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
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Post by Paws on Sept 8, 2008 21:51:48 GMT 12.75
A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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